I would like your additions to “The Book of Stains.” It’s a handy how-to guide that needs expanding since stains are always going to show up. Here are some early listings, to give you an idea of what is most helpful:
The splatter of grief
–This stain will fade over time. Many cleaning books maintain that this is a treatable stain, but there is no way to erase the splatter of grief except to wait for it to disappear on its own.
–Wipe up with a soft cloth. Wring the liquid into a Mason jar and seal. These will keep indefinitely until you are ready to serve them up along with a fine champagne.
Ground in messages of misogyny
–This stain needs treatment with harsh chemicals. Wear rubber gloves because such stains are toxic to tender skin. The sooner this stain is treated, the better. If the stain is on paper, burn it.
Caked on confusion
–Happily, there are many books on cake making that contain helpful hints. Betty Crocker herself recommends mixing up confusion with the following ingredients: a dictionary, Google, a yellow tablet, honesty, and the will to learn. Bake for a number of years until done.
The dust of dumb decisions
–Here a light touch is best. Dust is everywhere and it tends to come back. Don’t shoot for the perfect dustless home, but rest easy. A little dust never hurt anyone. We all have this kind of dust.