This is only a test.

Your participation is encouraged. The results will be used to tabulate statistics about bad interior decorating ideas, spat inducing potential of answers, and tomato spelling acumen of all online test takers, regardless of your answers, with or without your permission. The questions:

  1. Isn’t anyone going to give me a break?
  2. Am I going to have to separate you two?
  3. Who said?

It has been said that writers are good at making things up. Now we’ll find out. Please submit your short essay on the question of your choice.

9 responses to “This is only a test.

  1. Who Said?

    The weekly column for those who want to know…

    By Courtney Wellington

    Q – When I was growing up, my mother would often say, “Eat your food, there are starving children in Japan.” I don’t think my mother ever went to Japan. Did she make this up, or did someone famous say it first? – Thelma Peet, Mosskeegan

    A – Thelma, was your mother ever confined to a mental ward? Did she spend her days pushing a shopping cart full of cats along an interstate highway while muttering incomprehensibly to herself? Well, I wonder. Who would say such a thing to a child? You should be ashamed of yourself for even repeating it.

    Q – I have heard the phrase, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” Can you tell me who said that? – K’Joel Pook, Charmuese

    A – Mr. Pook, no one said that. In fact, I don’t believe anyone has ever even thought that. You probably made it up yourself in a pathetic attempt to appear knowledgeable. I continue to be amazed at what some people will do just to see their name in print. You should be ashamed of yourself.

    Q – I read somewhere that Winston Churchill once said to Lady Astor, “Up yours you stupid cow.” Did Sir Winston actually say that? – John J.J. Schmidt, Dadadada

    A – Yes.

    Q – “People, people who need people, are the luckiest people, in the world.” Is this from the Bible? – Collette Spindle, Smirnoff

    A – Collette, does this look like the religion section? Well, does it? The front page has an index that clearly shows section H as being the religion section. This is the “interest” section, which, if you could read, is section K. You should be ashamed of yourself.

    Q – Maybe you could help settle an argument my wife and I are having. Who was it that said, “Wow, look at that. He could get me out of these panties in three seconds”? I say it was Marlene Dietrich, but my wife says it was Joan Blondell. Who’s right? – Jaime Apple, Good Gulf

    A – Neither of you. The quote in question belongs to none other than J. Edgar Hoover, Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation from 1935 to 1972.

    Do you ever wonder “Who Said?” If so, send your puzzling quote to The Currier Union Post Herald Gazette at 13 West M. L. King Street, Phalanx, MO 45903. Courtney answers the toughest questions every Thursday, right here in the Interest section. Which is section K.

  2. Am I Going to Have to Separate You?

    Plaid Shirt and Striped Trousers were best friends. During the day they nearly blushed at the stares and muffled comments people offered as their owner, Tom, shopped for groceries, went to a movie, or enjoyed a long walk.

    Plaid shirt began to boast to trousers, “Did you see that lady point at me? She thinks I am quite good looking with my button-down collar.”

    Striped trousers replied in a huff, “It wasn’t you she was admiring, it was me. And my pleats and cuffs.”

    Neither realized they were being scoffed at for being such an ill match to the fashion conscious crowd. But Tom’s fashion faux-pas was beginning to dawn on him.

    Tom told both of them to shush and to behave themselves. But they couldn’t.

    Shirt begged Tom for more starch. Trousers demanded a sharper crease. Tom grew tired of their complaining and hung them in the closet for several days favoring more modest attire. He couldn’t bring himself to wear one without the other.

    When he returned to the closet, he was shocked at what he saw. Shirt’s collar was pulled up, its buttons ripped off. Trousers hung wrinkled, pockets pulled out, cuffs hanging limp. They had obviously been in a tangle.

    Tom removed Shirt from his hanger, re-sewed its buttons and gave it a fresh starching and ironing.

    He pulled Trousers from his hanger, re-stitched the cuffs, and ironed sharp creases down the legs.

    He told Shirt and Trousers, “We are going somewhere new today, so I want you to behave.”

    After a pleasant drive, Shirt and Trousers found themselves in a park-like setting with lush green grass, surrounded by billowing trees, dotted with areas of sand and water.

    Tom approached three friends standing on a small rise. They greeted Tom with smiles and admiration.

    “Why, Tom, that’s a really grand golf outfit you have there.”

    • Hello, Hilda the quilter here. No don’t separate! Who said pieces have to match?” If the plaid shirt and striped trousers are 100% cotton, I call first dibs for my stash. Throw in a polka dot tie, I’ll add some purple paisley and send Tom back a quilt all his golfing buddies will drool over.

    • Being a 70s child, I had a few outfits like that, my senior picture is pretty wild, what was I thinking?

  3. Blind dates. I hate blind dates, but a promise is a promise and I promised double date with my best friend. What an idoit, I mean idiot. But his gal isn’t bad looking, how bad can her cousin be anywho? I look at my gorgeous self in the mirror and decide it’s too late to try and make myself look bad so she wouldn’t feel so self-conscience being with a stud like me. I hear a honk, so out the door I go, oh crap, what if he meant she was really blind….

    I climb into the back seat of my friend’s ’57 Chevy and come face to face with one of the most beautiful girls I ever seen in person. Now who is going to be self-conscience. Introductions proceeded, yadayadayada, I sit back on the passenger side of the back seat and before I can say “sockittomemama” she was at my side. We proceeded to talk and get to know each other, and before I knew it, her hand was high on my thigh, “Oh my.” she said, “is that a banana or are you just glad to see me.” Really, did you just say that? Her cousin, yelled from the front seat, “Believe me, that ain’t no banana.” How did she know?

    We were on our way to a pizza place in another town, a 30 minute drive. With it being January in an old car with a bad defroster, before long the back side glass was steamed up, not that we noticed. We pulled into the pizza place, and my friend and his gal stepped out of the car, he pulled the seat forward to help us out but we were in lip-lock heaven. He yelled at us, “Hey, am I going to have to separate you two?” We didn’t budge, “Come on, isn’t anyone going to give me a break? I’m starving.” She broke off the kiss and started buttoning her blouse, I tried to get my hair to lay down, along with other things. It was a long journey inside with the limp I had to walk with.

    While we were waiting for our pizza to arrive, the song “If” by Bread came on the jukebox. She stood and grabbed my hand and we slow danced in the isle beside our table. Before the chorus started another couple started dancing beside their table, our friends joined us as we slipped into a world of our own. Before we knew it the clock was striking 12, and where the Chevy didn’t turn into a pumpkin, it was time to part. A long goodbye kiss, an exchange of addresses and phone numbers with the promise that we’d once again meet.

    Who said blind dates are a bad idea?

  4. I have a short fiction published at Every Day Fiction online. Its genesis was here at Ann’s blog. All are welcome to vote and comment as you see fit. Jeff

    http://www.everydayfiction.com/the-refrigerator-by-jeff-switt/

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