Peanut Beranski has convinced me we should all back up to the Lousy Idea posting and indulge in a competition for who has the lousiest idea. I put mine up, so now it’s your turn.
As the great Maya Angelou once said, “Those wishing to become writers of importance should begin humbly by choosing utilitarian forms such as bathroom testimonials, pet care instructions, Christmas card lists, and crank letters.”
If you asked a hundred randomly selected people what they think about world war, you would probably be on solid ground had you hypothesized that some of them would not be for it. While I personally do not harbor any significant bias regarding the subject, I do have a strong opinion regarding the “spoils of war,” particularly as those spoils relate to certain territories that had, heretofore, existed only within the pages of National Geographic Magazine.
Having had to deal with this issue, repeatedly, during the recently concluded holiday season, I took some time during the month of December to follow Ms. Angelou’s advice. In addition to writing a Christmas card list, I composed the following crank letter in response to the ill-considered inclusion of said territories within the traditional bounds of the United States. A situation I believe to be a very “bad idea.”
An Open Letter to the Island Nation of Palau,
I hate you! Well, not you personally. I’m sure you guys are out there doing a great job of island tending on the far, far, western side of that great, wide, Pacific Ocean. In fact, you probably wonder, as I do, why your tiny island nation, so very, very, far away, is even listed in the drop down box for selecting my state when I make an online purchase.
See, your existence in that list keeps me from simply hitting “P” for Pennsylvania. I hit “P,” and what do I get? Well, it ain’t Pennsylvania pal. Right, I get Palau, and then I have to click and scroll and then I get mad.
After reviewing the names of the other 49 ‘real states’, I would have simply requested you change your name to anything beginning with the letter “X.” However, since our president has alluded to the existence of states beyond the commonly accepted 50, and with the names of these states not yet known, I suggest you change your name to ŹŹŹpalau. The accented Z is correct, as that comes after the regular Z in normal alphabetization.
With the holiday season upon us, which comes in this month of December in the far, far, away western hemisphere, I know you’ll do right by online shoppers here in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania and change your name as soon as possible.
Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.
Crank letters! That may become my go-to option when I go cross-eyed from reading candle descriptions. I never would have thought of Palau as the recipient, but I often tell people I am teaching from Pago Pago, just to be ornery. Thanks for the comic relief! I needed it.
Is there a tee-shirt? I was told the winner would get a tee-shirt.
Or two tee-shirts.
Or no tee-shirt
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by Ann Linquist
Available in paperback or on Kindle