As Creative as a ….

I’m reading a Stephen King book, and I notice that one thing he does well is coming up with similes that do a great job of helping the reader get the flavor of what he’s describing.  Let’s try some.  I also thought it would be a challenge if we all try the same ones so it will push each of us a bit further to come up with something uniquely your own.

Of course, knowing this group, I wouldn’t put it past any of you to put these all (or nearly all) into one story.  Up for it?

As cold as a…

As mean as a…

As blue as a…

As bright as a…

So tight it felt like a…

So tired, I felt like …

As sharp as a …

The burning smelled like a…

As funny as a …

37 responses to “As Creative as a ….

  1. The burning smelled like a life on fire. Through acrid tears I watched it burn.

  2. I had to take your challenge, Ann, and use them all in a story.

    The night was as cold as my ex-wife’s heart. The oval illuminated under the street lamps were about as bright as a flickering candle wick described in some writing class I had taken, still I walked on. Something pushed me, something as sharp as Pinocchio’s nose stuck in my back. It didn’t help that I was tired, so tired I felt like my feet were walking through fish eyes and glue, still I had to stay the course. As I neared it, my throat tightened, so tight it felt like I could strum my vocal chords like a guitar. Then the dog barked, the junkyard dog that was as mean as a cornered whippersnapper. Then it hit me, that smell, something was burning that smelled like the inside of Dennis Rodman’s jockey shorts. The thought made me laugh, a good laugh, it seemed as funny as the look on Red Skelton’s face when he performed Gertrude and Heathcliff, in fact I’d laugh up a blue streak as blue as Frank’s eyes if I wasn’t already blue from the cold. Oh well, all is well that ends well, and it ended when I fell in the well.

    • Amazing! You make this look easy. I’m going to Google “whippersnapper” and imagine how it would look cornered. Stunning job, Walk. You’re on a streak!

  3. Most darling Walk…you rose to the occasion in fine form….as high as a Colorado resident taking a toke on his first legal reefer.

  4. I could probably make a story of this, but that would take some effort on my part. So, scattered, unordered, and uncensored, here are my “As X is to Y’s”

    As cold as Elvis on the bathroom floor.

    As mean as a junk yard dog who’s fed to bite but does it for free because he’s on a diet.

    As blue as a state that celebrates Vladimir Lenin’s birthday.

    As bright as a Ju-ly day at trinity test site.

    So tight it felt like a fart stuck behind 200 stalled UPS trucks in the Lincoln Tunnel.

    So tired, I felt like telling Candy to roll over and go to sleep, wasting my $20.

    As sharp as a MRSA infected touchscreen shard on the hunt for an open paper cut.

    The burning smelled like a hairy bum playing with napalm in a seafood restaurant dumpster.

    As funny as a hairy bum playing with napalm in a seafood restaurant dumpster saying “Dyn-O-Mite!”

    • I was enjoying these mightily until I got to the hairy bum. Somehow I flashed on the English usage of “bum” and it was hairy one at that. Then I had to imagine that hairy bum playing with napalm in a seafood restaurant dumpster. Now that is a creative stretch. And it’s talking!

      I guess my mind is also in the dumpster.

      • Interesting. My wife, who is Scotch-Irish, uses the term “bum” when referring to the posterior. My side of the family is German, and we use a slightly different term. The important thing is that no matter what your background, our shared experience tells us that a bum playing with napalm will probably smell bad. A seafood restaurant dumpster (realizing not all cultures have seafood restaurants, or dumpsters) is just icing on the cake.

    • Love Elvis on the bathroom floor. So irreverent, so perfect descriptive.

      • As the old saying goes, “Guns don’t kill people. Fluffernutters kill people.”

        Sad, but true.

  5. Wow. Awesome.

  6. If I wasn’t suffering from Blizzard Brain I would try to conjure up a story for these….but after 20 inches of snow and wind at 40 below zero, this is the best I can do.

    The burning smelled like a turkey roasting with that plastic bag of innards still stuffed inside ….potentially sumptuous but something just wasn’t right.

    As cold as the reception received by a Scientologist entering a convent.

    As blue as the language coming from Lenny Bruce’s dressing room.

    As bright as a Mensa Member in a remedial math class.

    So tight it felt like a pair of support hose on steroids.

    Peanut signing off from the Frozen Tundra.

    • A balmy 36 here in the banana belt! Baa ha ha. Alaskans running around in short sleeves and unzipped jackets. No hats or gloves. Levi’s and sneakers.

      • And only 8 inches of snow that is melting quickly.

      • I think you’re breeding a scab, as my father used to say. WTF! Is this some weird Alaska January thaw? Seriously, the TV people are so starved for news that the weather is now a hot topic. Jeepers, it’s been below zero many times before, why is this suddenly news? But I am jealous. I have to bundle up just to take out the garbage. Are you getting tan?

      • Unfortunately, these thaws are common. We hate them. They take away the insulating snow for humans, animals, and ground birds. Not getting a tan yet, but by the end of the month I’ll be in South Africa!

  7. I have some latitude on you, I think. Now we can brag to our kids about way back in 2014 when the snow was knee deep and the temperature was as cold as …. uh, um … as cold as dry ice on a boil? No. As cold as a cheese bra wearing Fashionista at the Lambeau Field? Or, as cold as my creative side when trying to one-up Peanutberanski. That’s about right.

    • Cheese bra wearing Fashionista….Outstanding….was it Brie or Cheddar?
      My puppy went out to tinkle and came back with ice cycles hanging from her busy. You are welcome to tell your grandchildren that.

      • Gee. Now I think we’ll have to have a cheese challenge. Don’t tempt me!

        It was cheddar.

  8. So tight it felt like a pair of support hose on steroids.
    Bahahahahahaha. Not that I’d know. ;/

  9. Off Topic….but True

    POLAR VORTEX DIARY OF 2014

    Friday, January 3, 2014

    Early morning: Listened to a national weather report about an impending Winter Storm with heavy snow accumulation possibilities and dangerous Temperatures. Gave it the same amount of credibility that I give my “innocent looking” puppy when someone has unraveled the toilet paper and trailed it throughout the apartment.

    Later morning: Watched The Weather Channel and decided that perhaps we were going to get 2 or 3 inches of snow over the weekend. So I decided to make a provisions trip to Krogers and Speedway. Purchased four days of dog food, doggy bone treats, an inexpensive doggy sweater, 3 frozen dinners for humans, some saltines and grapes. Put a quarter tank of gas in my car named Blanche.

    Early afternoon: Starting to get irritated that everyone on television was hyperventilating about the Doom and Gloom that was inevitable on the weather front. The sun was shining brightly and it was almost shirt-sleeve temperatures.

    Evening: I had convinced myself that the Weather Channel Zealots needed to get out more and actually look up at the clear skies. Then I changed the channel and watched some football I think.

    Bed Time: All was well and calm outside. Said goodnight to puppy and went peacefully off to dreamland.

    Saturday, January 4, 2014:

    Morning: Woke up to 30 degree weather and sunshine. Due to the fact that I had gotten all of the needed provisions the prior day, I had no reason to leave the apartment, so I settled into a Face Book session and my Candy Crush obsession.

    Mid-morning: Noticed that not only were the Weather Channel people going apoplectic, but our local stations were starting to send out dire warnings for much snow and record breaking temps.

    Early afternoon: Started to take all the warnings a bit more seriously and called my Pastor to see if Church would be canceled. He replied that he would wait on that decision to see if any snow would, if fact, start to fall. It was forecast to arrive in Goshen area around 7:00 pm. I started to study my Sunday School lesson just in case we did have church; I like to be prepared.

    Evening: Still no snow shortly after 7:00 pm. Just as I thought. Weather Hyperbole….Again! (but the Pastor did call off church. Perhaps he hadn’t finished his Sunday School lesson)

    Bed time: Too dark to tell if it was snowing, but it didn’t look like much if it was. Went to bed with a sense of disappointment and betrayal. My last thought before I fell to sleep was… of course we were NOT GOING TO HAVE A BLIZZARD, BECAUSE I WAS FULLY PREPARED.

    Sunday, January 5, 2014:

    Morning: Woke up and peeked out the window…..it looked like the Ural Mountains in a scene from Dr. Zhivago. It was snowing so hard, I had trouble seeing past the patio. Tried to make puppy go out and do her business. She respectfully declined. Thankfully, I had also purchased “peepee pads” for emergency purposes. Zoey convinced me that we were, in fact, in an emergency as far as she was concerned. I felt vindicated for having made preparations in advance.

    Mid morning: For some unknown reason, I was riveted to The Weather Channel. This had all the makings of a snow Armageddon. I knew that I could not sustain a regiment of watching non-stop weather, so I hit the remote and landed on to a show called “Wicked Tuna”. Boy was I in luck, it wasn’t just one show, it was a Tuna Marathon. I had no idea how extremely interesting Tuna fishing could be. After about 5 hours, I was ready to put on some waders and hit the high seas. But I couldn’t…..The Polar Vortex had descended on us full speed. I was so glad that I didn’t need to go outside.

    Evening: Football at Lambeau Field. -7 degrees actual temp. -25 degrees wind chills. The prediction was that one of the kickers would lose a toe while punting the Frozen pig skin. Fans in the stands were barely visible under the layers of coats,hats and blankets. Considering the weather extremes, how is it that a team from San Diego could beat the winterized home team?

    Post game: Noticed that I hadn’t seen the pup for hours. Finally found her burrowed under a pile of pillows and blankets on my bed. She invited me to join her in her safe place, and I did just that. Sometimes, Zoey is a whole lot smarter than I am.

    Monday, January 6, 2014

    Morning: Holy Moses….it was sooooooo cold there was a wind chill in my living room. Stacked some blankets against the door sills. That helped a bit. Stayed in my PJ’s and added a layer of sweat pants and hooded shirt, wool socks, jacket and mittens. Started to notice that 3 days of groceries were starting to dwindle (only the human food, pup still had plenty to feast on). Tried to think of an inventive way to use Cheerios and chicken broth in a nutritious and tasty way.

    Noon: Got many calls from friends, in equal states of confinement, reporting to me that the weather outside was frightful. I was cautioned over and over to stay inside and don’t try to travel and don’t let Zoey go out either. I assured them that knew she was a Maltese and not Big Foot. Besides, she refused to go out when it was still sunny and 25 degrees. She is a princess.

    Mid afternoon. Took a shower and while drying my hair thought I noticed that one of my ears was higher than the other. Looked through 2 junk drawers and finally located a fabric tape measure. Tried to talk Zoey into helping me measure my face, she dove under the blankets. So I proceeded on my own. After taking several measurements, I decided that my ears were the same, but my glasses were crooked. Went into the bedroom to report the ear news to the pup, she glared at me as if to say,
    “How much longer is this imprisonment going to last? One of us has got to break out of here, and soon.”

    Bed time, We finished our third full day of exile in silence. I believe we were getting a bit edgy.

    Tuesday, January 7, 2014

    Morning: Waking up seemed pointless. Zoey stopped talking to me, I had been reduced to measuring my face and watching Mayberry reruns, and there was absolutely nothing tasty that can be made from Cheerios and chicken broth. Day 4 and I have lost the will to live. On the bright side, if I do die, my body will keep for a long, long time in these Temperatures.

  10. As cold as the glare after a forgotten birthday
    As mean as a schoolyard bully with a crowd to impress
    As blue as the blossoms on an early spring hyacinth
    As bright as the face of a 2 year old on Christmas morning
    So tight it felt like a size 6 girdle on Colonel Saunders
    So tired, I felt like I could sleep sitting front row at a Black Sabbath concert
    As sharp as the tongue of a jealous housewife
    The burning smelled like a 60’s love in
    As funny as a fart joke at a cubscout campfire

  11. Okay, writers. Here’s your chance to full of praise or snarky, take your pick. Please follow this link and tell me what you think of the writing in this review. The writing, not the subject. I want to know how far off base I am. (I didn’t write it.) I’ll tell you me opinions after you tell me yours.

    http://botswana.gamelodges.co.za/botswana-wild-calling-review.html

  12. Well, a little proofing would have helped that note.

  13. I do have a story to tell ya, but later … later … I promise … LATER …

    As cold as a… cucumber? naah … human heart.

    As mean as a … rattlesnake.

    As blue as a… dead dream.

    As bright as a … live dream?

    So tight it felt like a… condom? Sorry …

    As sharp as a … taunt.

    The burning smelled like a… charcoal fire! What else …

    As funny as a … meaning less life!

  14. As cold as a…grave side in winter

    As mean as the…cancer that took her

    As blue as …the sparkle in her eyes

    As bright as a… crystal she loved

    So tight it felt like … the urn she was in, my heart did

    So tired, I felt like … Hell, we lost the fight , cancer won. Dam!!

    As sharp as a … blast of winter air coming up the hill

    The burning smelled like an…apple pie she loved

    As funny as a …As funny a what???for cancer had won.

    A friend lost her battle to Cancer last week. May she rest in peace. She is in pain no more. May she find peace.
    Sorry to lay this at your feet friends but words can help.

    • Marion, I’m sorry for your loss. I think writing, exactly as you did, gets it out, gives it a little order, and of course you should share it. What else would you do with it?

  15. So sorry for your loos of a friend Marion, but you put some powerful words together to express your heartache.

  16. I am sorry about your friend, Marion. Yes, words help.

  17. Gully, I followed your link. My impression is that the content is there but somewhat broken with short sentences. The thoughts don’t flow.
    Your turn.

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