And Then ….

I hooked my _______ on a ______.   Then suddenly the whole ______ became ______, and I couldn’t help wishing I was ______.    Those damn ______s.  I could have gone through a whole ______ without them _______.  Of course, I should have expected that _________.

I pulled out my _______ and ________ before things could get _________.  Thank goodness for __________!

( _______ ______ ______ ______ )

64 responses to “And Then ….

  1. I hooked my tiny claw on a Tiffany Lamp cord. Then suddenly the whole living space became a cacophony of sound, and I couldn’t help wishing I was a male lion. Those damn primal urges. I could have gone through a whole afternoon without them. Of course, I should have expected that surge after an eight hour nap. I pulled out my cute-face and purred at my feeder before things could get withheld. Thank goodness for all those Cute Kitty Videos on YouTube.
    (Maggie the Himalayan)

  2. Galelikethewind

    …without them KICKIN IN….

  3. For a Little Change of Pace:

    I hooked my wife on a THIRTY GRAM A DAY COCAINE HABIT. Then suddenly the whole MARRIAGE became BLISSFUL, and I couldn’t help wishing I was ABLE TO KEEP THE PEACE.
    Those damn SPACED OUT FIGHTS. I could have gone through a whole LIFETIME without them HAPPENING EVERY TWENTY HOURS OR SO. Of course I should have expected that SHE WOULDN’T HANDLE COCAINE ANY BETTER THAN SHE DID ALCOHOL.
    I pulled out my RUGER PISTOL and SHOT HER RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES before things could get ROUGHER THAN THEY HAVE BEEN FOR THE PAST TEN YEARS. Thank goodness for THE SUICIDE BRIDGE DOWN THE STREET.
    (GOOD BYE, CRUEL WORLD)

  4. Thanks, honored to have your praise.

  5. I hooked the heal of my basic black wing tips on an especially long steamer of toilet paper that was lurking under the sink, before I walked back into the locked chamber. Then suddenly the whole College of Cardinals became as giggly as a schoolyard full of giddy little girls, and I couldn’t help wishing I was Jewish. Those damn Red Hat frat boys. I could have gone through a whole papal election without them pulling one of their blasted practical jokes. Of course, I should have expected that after four days of being confined, their natural instinct for mischief would surface. I pulled out my squirt-gun loaded with Holy Water and took careful aim at the ringleader, Father Chevy Chase, before things could get really out of hand. Thank goodness for white smoke.

    • Okay, laughing out loud here. Thanks.

    • I hooked one horn of my antelope, Bernice, on the gate of the herd’s paddock as I tried to ride her back in. Then suddenly the whole event became a slapstick routine as she bucked around trying to free herself and also throw me off. I wrapped my arms around her antlers, hanging on like some long johns on the clothesline in a tornado. I couldn’t help wishing I was filming this weird moment with my iPhone, so I fished it out of my pocket even though I was being flung up and down. Those damn iPhones! I could have gone through a whole lifetime without them making me want to film myself all the time, even when I’m being bucked by an antelope named Bernice. Of course, I should have expected that pointing my camera at myself would not be appreciated by the rest of Bernice’s herd buddies. They jostled us roughly once we got inside the gate, demanding to be in the movie too.

      I pulled out my bandana and wiped the sweat off the face of the iPhone and jumped off Bernice before things could get really ugly with random horn gores and gooey drool. Thank goodness the antelopes lined up to show off their best sides. What a bunch of camera hogs!

      (Anything but reading candle descriptions.)

      • Ann, I can clearly see where you would prefer to being bucked off a raging Antelope than being forced to read another Candle Contemplation. I don’t believe how you stand dealing with 200 beginning writers at one time. But you manage to do it with grace. I would blow my brains out, especially if like in this class, they are already bickering about who and how to critique all the classmates. I’m not going to post very much as I feel guilty adding to your workload. I enjoy the class because it is a wonderful observation point for studying novice artists under the influence of a powerful creative nectar. I stand in awed of your stamina and patience.

      • .”.long johns on the clothesline in a tornado”. Classic visual.
        Loved your take on this.

      • I still remember the candle project!

    • To Peanut: How do you think of this stuff? That was fabulous!

    • LOL Peanut, didn’t you write another Papal take on a project here?

      • Jeff, yes I did an earlier Papal post. For some reason I am obsessed with the Catholics. I am a practicing Free Range Methodist, that means we only allow organic casseroles at our carry-in dinners.

    • Oh my! That was funny!

    • peanut I love it gave me a good laugh keep it up

  6. Jeepers, Peanut, make sure you post! Reading your stuff is my recess! You are NOT adding to my workload. (I just like to complain sometimes.)

    First I read your piece about the Red Hat frat boys, and wondered how you came up with cardinals. Next thing I knew, I was reading a candle description about the smoke meaning no pope was selected. I had to wonder if that was where you got your inspiration. Somebody mentioned an antelope at one point, so I riffed on that. I’ll take all the inspiration I can get!

  7. Galelikethewind

    Six am in Pasadena., lying in bed, Ipad balanced in my right hand. I read Peanut’s story and begin chuckling out loud. “You read something funny.” Said Cindy.
    “Mind if I read it to you?”
    “Please do.” she smiled.
    By the time I get to the White Smoke, we are both in tears from laughing so hard.
    You are her favorite writer of this group, Peanut.

    Ann, the comment on candle contemplation brought back th reality of your huge workload with your classes. Your creative-nectar has been a major influence on me, and keeps my creative juices flowing. I appreciate inspiration wherever I can find it..
    Thanks to you both.
    Gale

  8. I’ve been traveling for 2 days, now just sitting down and reading these. Great ideas, great writing. Let me recover from MCS (moving car syndrome) and I will try to catch up! Jeff

  9. I hooked my future on a fifty-to-one long shot. Then suddenly the whole track became manic, and I couldn’t help wishing I was riding the horse myself. Those damn ponies. I could have gone through a whole life without them calling to me. Of course, I should have expected that I would lose.

    I pulled out my ATM card and withdrew another hundred before things could get started again. Thank goodness for hunches!

    ( Signed Lucky in Love )

    ………………………….

    I hooked my arm on a slim-waisted cowboy. Then suddenly the whole dance floor became awash in testosterone and estrogen, and I couldn’t help wishing I was alone with him, in his arms. Those damn song lyrics. I could have gone through a whole life of purity without them seducing me. Of course, I should have expected that I would catch some bug from my proclivity.

    I pulled out my best smile and brushed his lips with it before things could get cold. Thank goodness for condoms.

    ( Dancing the horizontal bop )

    ………………………

    I hooked my latest victim on a spike driven in the trunk of the oak tree behind my trailer. Then suddenly the whole yard became a frantic mob, and I couldn’t help wishing I was better armed. Those damn zombies. I could have gone through a whole lifetime without them chasing me. Of course, I should have expected that I, too, would be bitten and turned.

    I pulled out my shotgun and fired all five rounds before things could get really crazy. Thank goodness for double-aught buckshot!

    (They got me anyway.)

  10. Two days traveling and 4 Goodwill Industries stores, 9 recent novels for about $11 including sales tax, and one book on PSYCHICAL AND SUPERNORMAL PHENOMENA , first edition, 1916. An interesting Google subject for anyone with too much time on their hands. Looks like some kooky story subject content. woowowooowo. (insert spooky soundtrack)

  11. Jeff,
    I looks like you recovered from MCS! In fact, it may have been a good pressure cooker for you. What impresses me about all these is how handy that final set of parentheses is. It’s as if we get to put the frosting on the cake–with permission! Three for one. I take my hat off to you.

  12. Jeff, I’m impressed not only with your productivity (3 beauties) but at the span of cultures drawn from. Zombies, Cowboys and Gamblers. I would love to read your take on all three of these characters joining forces in one story. As Always, Delightful to read your work.

  13. I hooked my swimsuit on a corner of the diving board. Then suddenly the whole pool became quiet, and I couldn’t help wishing I was invisible, or dead, or anywhere but dangling awkwardly ten feet above the water. Those damn waterobics instructors. I could have gone through a whole dictionary of expletives without them suggesting I shift my weight, swing, and flutterkick, flutterkick! Of course, I should have expected that.
    I pulled out my arms from the shoulder straps and slid into the water before things could get any more embarrassing. Thank goodness for free trial visits at the fitness club!
    ( I hadn’t paid a cent, so I’ll never have to go back to that pool again.)

  14. That made me laugh. Loved the part about the “flutterkick flutterkick!” I can just hear some slim and trim instructor rapping out those instructions while the rest of the group flails away. Good one!

  15. Thanks for the fun story!

  16. Hi Maureen. Glad to see you out in the open.

  17. I hooked a silly little adverb on an infinitive and split it like an atom. Then suddenly the whole essay became grammatically radioactive, and I couldn’t help wishing I was (Uh, were. No, maybe was> Nah, I’m sure it’s were) doing something else somewhere else. Those damn misplaced modifiers and qualifiers. I coulda, shoulda gone through a whole very long prompt without them rearing their ugly whatevers. Of course, I should surely have expected that common usage would trump rules.

    I pulled out my Strunk and White and quickly slammed it shut before things could quickly get a lot worse. Thank goodness for Grammar for Idiots!

    (I mean, really, like, this hurt to write, you know!!!)

  18. You are the Master Word Slayer !!! Go and Pop some fricatives !!!!

  19. OK, going to try with a new email sign-in, something screwy in Jeffland. Posts wont posts. Too many alias emails I guess.

  20. I hooked my _first fish_ on a _big red worm_. Then suddenly the whole _reason for living_ became _to fish_, and I couldn’t help wishing I was _the son of a fisherman_. Those damn _water hole_s. I could have gone through a whole _lifetime_ without them _taunting me of their wonderful silvery treasures_. Of course, I should have expected that _my obsession would drive me mad_.
    I pulled out my _Abu Garcia_ and _some ten pound test_ before things could get _out of hand_. Thank goodness for _my neighbor’s koi pond_!
    ( _Living_ _out_ _the_ _dream_ )

  21. Bwahaha – wonderful, and great twist at thenend!

  22. I hooked my golf club on a stump in the water hazard.   Then suddenly the whole hazard became a whirlpool of water, and I couldn’t help wishing I was on the tee again.    Those damn gators.  I could have gone through a whole 18 holes without them eating my gold ball..  Of course, I should have expected that, they think the golf balls are hard boiled eggs.
    I pulled out my nine iron and hit it on the snout before things could get messy or I ran out of golf balls.  Thank goodness for a good nine iron!
    ( I should have read the hazard warning better. )

  23. I hooked my muse on a kite’s tail hoping for an adventure. Then suddenly the whole sky became green ,spinning, stormy, cold ,wet, and I couldn’t help wishing I was on the tail too. Those damn tornados. I could have gone through a whole lifetime without them churning up a storm .

    Of course , I should have expected that with my lucky Musie would find the wicked witch of the west and stay the summer. I pulled out my scissors and cut the string ,hoping my muse would fall to the earth before things could get to the point of Musie liking it . I was missing her already .
    Thank goodness for the good witch talking her into coming home to me. !

    (without the written word the summer has been a bore and so would the world.)

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