You are Your Own Character…So Make Your Entrance at Will!

Come one!  Come all!  The town of Biggesville is having its annual Bicycle Tire Pump Festival.  The population is eagerly awaiting events that will soon begin with the popular parade  (Floats!  Marching bands!  Celebrities!) and will end at the usual site of festivities, the World Largest Pentagram-Shaped Barn, located at the edge of Farmer Linquist’s back meadow.

25 responses to “You are Your Own Character…So Make Your Entrance at Will!

  1. galelikethewind

    Nestled in a small valley in Northwestern Wisconsin, George Bergstrom’s hometown of Neenah was a ten mile ride from Biggesville. An avid bike rider, George was riding his new Safety Bike down the dusty road heading for the big event. This bike was a real improvement over the high-wheel bike his dad used. His new bike even had a kerosene headlamp so he could ride at night.
    Biggesville was holding its annual Bicycle Tire Pump Festival, and George was going to be riding in the parade. He was accompanying a group of Civil War Veterans, and had a small banner flying from his rear bumper that said “Remember Our Troops”. George loved things military almost as much as he did bicycling. At age ten, George was the youngest official participant in the parade. He waved at his family as he rode by, leading a wagon carrying ten very tired looking men who had fighting in the Civil War just twenty years ago. The crowds stood at attention and applauded wildly as they passed down Biggesville’s Main Street, and headed north toward the Linquist’s farm.
    This was George’s first view of farmer Linquist’s unusual barn. It was a huge pentagon shaped building that was designed to maximize the the number of cow stalls in the barn. It had layers of hallways, from the outside in, and when George went inside, he was amazed at how many cows the Linquist family was able to squeeze into such a small area. He rode his bike up and down the passageways, around and around, waving at the startled cattle.

    George was an excellent student throughout his twelve years of elementary education, and even earned a scholarship to Yale. He studied hard, and eventually settled on a degree in architecture. After finishing college, George moved to Southern California to join a prestigious firm that was involved in the burgeoning growth of large civic buildings in that area. In the 1920’s George was selected to design the Pasadena Civic Auditorium, which became a landmark in that beautiful city.
    And so it was that in 1941, the government called on George to help design a building along the Potomac River to house the newly establish U.S. Defense Department. Franklin Roosevelt had seen George’s work while visiting the West Coast, and personally recommended him for the job.
    As George sat at the drawing board in the Washington D.C. office of a major architectural firm,
    he pondered how to design a building with the maximum square footage for the Defense Department on such a small plot of land. As he sat quietly in deep concentration, his mind wandered back to 1886, and the Linquist farm.
    “Aha!” shouted George to a room full of startled architects.

  2. galelikethewind

    Oh no! I misread challenge! Pentagram – not PENTAGON! Oh well..senior monent.

  3. Well done Gale…Well Done. I’m glad you used Pentagon, as it lends itself much more easily to cow/people storage than a Pentagram. Besides, aren’t Pentagrams evil or tied to the Knights Templar some way? I enjoyed this very much. Thanks.

  4. Testing testing testing

    Aha! Just as I suspect. this site doesn’t support italics. Have to think of something else.

  5. (Used uppercase to differentiate between the speakers. It does not represent shouting, although in this case maybe it should.)

    Uh, I’m not going.

    NOT GOING WHERE? OH, YOU MEAN… I THOUGHT WE SETTLED THIS LAST WEEK. YOU COMMITTED.

    I can’t.

    CAN’T OR WON’T?

    Won’t. No, can’t. No, both.

    LOOK, WE HAD A DEAL. IF YOU CAME WITH ME TO THE BICYCLE TIRE PUMP FESTIVAL, I’D GO WITH YOU TO THE GARDEN CLUB TOUR. NOW YOU’RE RENEGING?

    Yes, I just can’t go to that thing.

    BY “THING” I GATHER YOU MEAN THE BARN? THE PENTA…

    Don’t! Just don’t. Please don’t say it.

    IT’S JUST A BARN, FOR PETE’S SAKES. THERE’S NOTHING SCARY ABOUT IT. IT ISN’T WHERE WITCHES AND WARLOCKS MEET. IT’S FOR HORSES AND CATTLE AND WHATEVER. IT JUST HAPPENS TO BE IN THE SHAPE OF A YOU-KNOW-WHAT BECAUSE OF THE SHAPE OF THE LOT. YOU KNOW THAT.

    Still. Will you still go to the Garden Club Tour of Gardens with me?

    YOU KNOW I’M ALLERGIC TO POLLEN. I ONLY AGREED TO GO BECAUSE YOU AGREED TO COME WITH ME TO THE FESTIVAL.

    I’m sorry, but the whole thing creeps me out.

    LOOK, A PENTAGRAM STANDS FOR MANY THINGS, AND NOT ALL OF THEM ARE MYSTICAL OR MAGICAL. THE STAR IS FIVE-POINTED AND THE PENTAGRAM IS FIVE-SIDED, RIGHT? WELL, MEDIEVAL KNIGHTS WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE FIVE VIRTUES—GENEROSITY, COURTESY, CHASTITY, CHIVALRY, AND PIETY. IN CHRISTIANITY, THE FIVE REPRESENTED THE FIVE WOUNDS OF CHRIST ON THE CROSS.

    THERE ARE FIVE PILLARS OF THE MUSLIM FAITH AND FIVE CALLS TO PRAYER EACH DAY.

    AND, IN CASE YOU FORGOT, WHICH I KNOW YOU HAVEN’T, THE UPWARD POINT OF THE PENTAGRAM STAR REPRESENTS THE SPIRIT, AND THE OTHER FOUR POINTS AN ELEMENT, LIKE EARTH, AIR, FIRE, AND WATER.

    I WEAR MY PENTAGRAM NECKLACE TO SAY I AM CONNECTED WITH THE ELEMENTS AND RESPECT THE EARTH, NOT TO TELL EVERYBODY I’M A WEIRDO.

    Martha, I understand how you feel. I just can’t go with you to that place. I’d break out in hives, I just know it.

    JOHN, YOU CAN BE SUCH A WUSS SOMETIMES.

  6. Events:

    Pump Versus Lung Contest
    Bicycle Tire Pump in the Spoon Race
    Tire Pump into Sling Shot using Small Furry Animals Distance Competition
    Bicycle Pump Cake Decorating Contest

    Show Times in Pentagram Barn
    –10 AM: Post parade air dump. (Scented souvenirs free to all participants.)
    –11 AM: Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble Exorcism, with Dame Martha to lead the chanting
    –1 PM: Bicycle Tire Pump Foosball Tournament, featuring the Battle of the Genders! (That means you Walk, FigMince, Gale, Jeff, Waldo, PAT, Gary versus Gullible, Peanut, Marion, Parrot, Lisa, Shaddy [if she wants to play], Pamela, and Martha.
    –3 PM: Peanut Beranski and her All Girl Unicyclist Pom Pom Squad, doing their famous “Air Raid Drill”—all the way from Indiana! Gullie will perform on the Duck Call.

    • Ann, there might be a problem with the Pom Pom Squad. Hortense Debree (her father owns the local dump) suffered a groin pull while attempting an unusually difficult dismount from her Uni. The medical bills are mounting up. We are organizing a fundraiser for her benefit. I would like to invite all of the BWW family to attend, this Friday at the UAW hall at the intersection of Curds and Whey in Beehunter IN. The festivities will begin at 6:00pm with an open bar followed by a buffet, silent auction and the rest of the Squad performing a living Tableau of Russian Movements throughout History.

      for more information call: COIN FOR A GROIN 1-800-222-45445, ask for
      Bambi (Boom Boom) Berstein.

    • Coin for a Groin! I knew you’d be on a roll. I’ll be calling Boom Boom Berstein soon, so give her a heads up!

  7. John, just look at my new Mustang.

    Oh, my. What happened? Where’d all those dings come from?

    i drove through a hailstorm. What can I do?

    Just blow real hard in the tailpipe. That should pop those dings out just fine.

    Martha blows in the tailpipe for an hour without success. John comes back to see how she’s doing.

    It doesn’t work, John. I’m blowing as hard as I can, too.

    Martha, Martha, Martha. You have to roll up the windows first.

  8. I’m dying here!

  9. John: You ready yet, Martha?

    Martha: In a minute.

    John (a half hour later): Martha? We’re going to be late.

    Martha: I’m ready, I’m ready. Putting on my new shoes right now. There.

    John: What… Martha, what do you have on your feet?

    Martha: My new shoes, John. Can’t you tell?

    John: Why do they have those zigzag lines on them? What kind of shoes are they?

    Martha: They’re called pumps, John. Bicycle tire pumps. Made from recycled bicycle tires. For the festival, you know? Certainly couldn’t wear spike heels to a barn dance. Really, John.

  10. Alice: How’d you do, Martha? Did you win the sling shot competition?

    Martha: Mmmm, not exactly.

    Alice: “Not exactly?” What do you mean? You either won or you didn’t? It’s like you’re pregnant or you’re not. No such thing as “not exactly” pregnant. So, which is it?

    Martha: Well, there was a problem. We were supposed to shoot small furry animals, you know? So, when it was my turn to choose, all the squirrels, wombats, weasels, and mice were already taken.

    Alice: And?

    Martha: So I took one that looked like it had some heft to it, you know, so it would travel farther.

    Alice: And?

    Martha: It sorta stuck in the bicycle tire webbing.

    Alice: Stuck? What do you mean it stuck? What was it?

    Martha: Well, it’s not my fault I didn’t know what a hedgehog was. It stuck in the webbing and only flew a few feet.

    Alice: Oh, so you didn’t win.

    Martha: Well, it depends on how you look at it. It only flew a few feet, but that’s exactly how far away John was standing, so it kinda of hit him in the…

    Alice: OMG! LOL!!! No, it didn’t!!!

    Martha: Yep. Stuck, too.

  11. Martha: Johnny, what do you have there?

    Johnny: I won the cake decorating contest, Mom. See? Have a bite.

    Martha: Okay, I’ll just dip my finger in this excess icing for now. Wow, that’s really nice. I didn’t know you liked pink so much. Is it your favorite color now?

    Johnny: No, Mom. It’s blue. Just like Dad’s.

    John: Hey, Johnny-boy. What’s that pink thing?

    Johnny: Look, Dad . I won the cake decorating contest and they let me take home my own cake. Awesome, huh?

    John: Sure is, son. But, did you use all the pink icing? I didn’t see any other cakes with pink icing?

    Johnny: No, I didn’t. I used my souvenir from the Bicycle Tire air dump at the barn. I didn’t use any of their icing at all.

    Martha: (urgh)

    John: Martha, are you all right, Sweetie? You’re looking a little green. Come and sit down on this bench.

    Johnny: What’s the matter, Mommy?

    Martha: John, I help make up those scented souvenir packets from the barn.

    John: Yeah, I know. So?

    Martha: We used “stuff” that was already in the barn, if you get my drift.

    John: You mean, like…..droppings?

    Martha: Yeah.

    John: I don’t get it. What does that have to do with Johnny’s cake?

    Martha: It’s pink, John, and he said he didn’t use icing. He said he used his souvenir air dump packet. Pink, John. Have you seen the penguin exhibit yet?

    John: Yeah. Funny. The ground’s all pink…. Oh.

    Martha: Pink. From the krill they eat. Pink. I think I’m gonna barf…

    (Am I excused from Foosball yet?)

  12. Doris: Morning, there, Ed. The usual?

    Ed: Yep, only three sugars today, ‘stead of one.

    Doris: Three, huh. Sweetening up for a hot date?

    Ed: Hot date? What would a hot date want with an old codger like me? Naw, need the energy. Didn’t get any sleep last night.

    Doris: You feelin’ poorly?

    Ed: Nope. That deputy over to Biggesville arrested John and Martha last night at the Bicycle Tire Pump festival and they called me to bail them outta the hoosegow.

    Doris: They fighting in public again?

    Ed: Of course. What else do they do? You know the Linquist barn—that five-sided monstrosity? Well, John and Martha were having a smoke out behind one of the sides and got in a fight about Martha’s acting abilities.

    Doris: Acting abilities? I never heard any such thing about her.

    Ed: Me neither, but Martha claimed John accused her of Bogarting. I reckon that means Humphrey Bogart, so what else could it be but acting? Anyhow, they were both really mad.

    Doris: Huh. So, you bail them out?

    Ed: Heck no. They was still fighting like Tasmanian Devils. No way was I gonna let them out in public. They can stay there ‘til they calm down.

  13. Now that we know what you’re doing outside, I really don’t want to hear stories about you climbing scaffolding. Pretty soon you’ll be oogling the old rotten stain. Woooooow. Looka that.

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